*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.