[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.