I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
You Might Also Like
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser