My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The opposite of Iceland is water water