This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
forgive me baja for i have blast
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?