*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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Genius idea!!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Not all heroes wear capes….
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money