I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
We’ve all been there…
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.