You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Just parrot things
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word