If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Monday
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
There is wisdom there.