good morning
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
😏😏😏
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.