*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
i’m still crying at this
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.