@tesselatrix

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

@tesselatrix

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

@tesselatrix

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

@tesselatrix

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

@tesselatrix

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

@tesselatrix

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

@tesselatrix

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.