If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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[on my way back to the posting caves]
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm