When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
This line from Airplane.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”