“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
You better watch out
Some people were born into their job.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business