A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie