I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You Might Also Like
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Every. Damn. Time.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.