[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
absolutely not
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review