Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
huge valentines day plans this year!!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?