My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
You Might Also Like
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Get off my horse you stupid moon
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted