ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
*rewinds tape with a pencil*
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”
Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.