When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”
[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.