Funny Tweeter

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Page of thatdutchperson's best tweets

@thatdutchperson : [at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

"Sir, that's a bench."

Me: perfect.

@thatdutchperson: I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

@thatdutchperson: [trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@thatdutchperson: [blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I'M 34 IF YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I'M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@thatdutchperson: Maybe cats always look like they're planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@thatdutchperson: They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I'm pretty sure I'm 98% living room.

@thatdutchperson: [runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO'S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

@thatdutchperson: My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

@thatdutchperson: [about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

@thatdutchperson: [making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.