@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@thatdutchperson

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@thatdutchperson

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

@thatdutchperson

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

@thatdutchperson

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

@thatdutchperson

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR