@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: know what you’re getting yet?

Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.

Her: oh, you have a kid at home?

Me: no.

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@thatdutchperson

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

@thatdutchperson

[date with girl I met at the park]

Waiter: is everything ok, sir?

Me:*fighting back the tears*

Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.

@thatdutchperson

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.