Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Her: know what you’re getting yet?
Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus.
Her: oh, you have a kid at home?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?
Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[date with girl I met at the park]
Waiter: is everything ok, sir?
Me:*fighting back the tears*
Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.