Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
You Might Also Like
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?