I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals