will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”