Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You Might Also Like
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Seems legit
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Sooo many times…..
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit