Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people