2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Ha
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.