I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Breaking news:
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
what’s the point then??
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.