ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar