Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
just having fun
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Velcrow
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog