[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
The Backseat Boys
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.