Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.