Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
best review i’ve ever seen
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.