Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”