satan: not today, microsoft teams
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.