Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites