You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
this independent good boy don’t need no human
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh