WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Noah
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”