robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m not stressed
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!