no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You Might Also Like
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
An odd boast
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad