If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.