Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.