I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
umm…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
A ghost story
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Cheer up.