Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Quadruple digit IQ
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable