“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Merica.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.