I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.