11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”