@thearibradford

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

@thearibradford

What I say: I am tired

What my kids hear: I am weak. I am no longer fit to lead. Now is your chance.

@thearibradford

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

@thearibradford

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

@thearibradford

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

@thearibradford

Staying with my parents, Vol 2, pt. 6:

My father doesn’t bat an eye when he hears for the first time that I’m bisexual, but he does threaten to disown me after I accidentally tell my mother that he rented a movie on Prime for $20