I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough